


Harley’s Marble-ous Meal

by Innwich



Series: The Marvelous Misadventures of Harley Quinn (One-Shots) [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Shazam! | Captain Marvel (Comics)
Genre: Diners, Gen, Kidnapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 20:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innwich/pseuds/Innwich
Summary: Harley Quinn had a Foolproof Plan™ for her trip to Fawcett City, a plan that involved a very special Billy Batson.





	Harley’s Marble-ous Meal

**Author's Note:**

> The Injustice comics gave us the Harley Quinn & Billy Batson crack pair that I never knew I wanted. Just to make it clear, this fic doesn’t take place in the Injustice universe. As far as I know Harley and Billy never interacted outside the Injustice universe, but that is what fanfics are for ;).

Fawcett City. America’s Lightning Rod. The city had recorded the highest number of lightning strikes per year in the country every year since the debut of their very own super-duper flying-brickhouse superhero. Which should not come as a surprise, considering that their superhero wore a lightning symbol on his chest and called himself Captain… Marbles? Marlboro? Marlboro Lights? Ain’t that a cigarette brand? What did that have to do with lightning?

Anywho.

The point was, Harley was having herself a vacation. Her last couple of vacations had been cut short by Batsy the party pooper crashing her party and hauling her back to Arkham Asylum. If Harley had wanted to go back to that place, she wouldn’t have quitted her job as a shrink, would she! Well, technically, she had been fired on account of her aiding and abetting Mr. J in his escape and subsequent crimes, but if she had deliberately gotten herself fired, then that was as good as her handing in a resignation letter with no notice period because screw Arkham Asylum.

Harley scribbled three bold lines under the words ‘screw Arkham Asylum’ in her diary.

This time, to make sure that her latest vacation would last longer than a wild afternoon, Harley would go someplace where Bats couldn’t find her. She had heard lots of stories about Fawcett City and not just about its freaky lightning strikes. Fawcett City had sounded like the perfect place to get plenty of fresh air and minimal Bat-shaped knuckle sandwiches, which were exactly what the doctor had ordered. 

Wearing a blonde bimbo wig and a pair of dorky glasses, Harley was now officially reverse-undercover as a law-abiding citizen. She hopped on a bus with her one-way ticket, and skipped town.

“Wakey wakey, sleepyhead,” Harley said, and poked at Billy Batson, the boy reporter extraordinaire that she had kidnapped from his office cubicle.

Billy was slumped over the table in the diner booth that Harley had reserved for the two of them beforehand. His dark hair was a messy bird’s nest that Harley was only a tinsy bit responsible for. His left cheek was smooshed into the table and he had been drooling out of the corner of his slack mouth since Harley had propped him up in the diner booth. His breathing had been slow and shallow, but now it was quickening.

Hooray! He was waking up!

“Wha-? Who?” Billy groaned and clutched his head. Ouchie. He must be hurting from the triple bam-wham-pow number that Harley had done on him. Harley had had to leave behind her trusty gigantic mallet in Arkham Asylum’s storage room. After whacking Billy on the back of his head with a stapler, it had become obvious on her third try that a stapler wasn’t very effective at knocking people out, so she had resorted to using a good old chloroform-soaked hankie.

“You can call me Dr. Q,” Harley said. “And don’t try anything funny. I’ve cuffed you to the table.”

Billy cracked his eyes open and peered at her. “Holy moley. I’m being kidnapped by Harley Quinn.”

“No, you’re not. I’m Dr. Q, I have my ID and all, see?” Harley flashed her stolen WHIZ Radio employee swipe card at Billy. The words ‘Dr. Q’ were scribbled over the swipe card in big loopy letters. “I’ve never heard of that crazy Harley Quinn clown lady.”

Billy gingerly rubbed the sore bump on the back of his head. “WHIZ Radio put out a news flash the last time you escaped from the asylum. The police sent us a picture of you.”

“What? No! Cops take the worst pictures!” Harley exclaimed. “They’re worse than the Gazette. They somehow made Red look ugly. Do you know how hard it is to look good when there’s blood coming outta your nose? It’s worse if you’re missing half a tooth ‘cause you broke it on Bats’ knuckles.”

“I don’t know anyone who looks good with blood on their face,” Billy said doubtfully, which wasn’t what Harley was asking. He was lucky Harley gave him a pass on account of him having just woken up from a Harley-induced KO. Harley didn’t need him awake for the rest of her Foolproof Plan™. Billy shot a furtive look over Harley’s shoulder. “Why is the cashier lady giving us the evil eye?”

“I don’t blame her. We’ve been sitting here for two hours and all you did was nap while I watched you nap,” Harley said. “Why dontcha order something before we’re kicked out on our butts?”

“Um, I don’t have any money on me. I’ve left my wallet in the office,” Billy said. 

“I’ll be paying. It’ll be my treat for kidnapping you. How about that?” Harley said. “Hey, what does a gal have to do to get some service around here?”

The busboy napping at a corner table kept on snoring. A kid that couldn’t be older than twelve sauntered over to their booth.

“About time you’re ready to order,” the kid waitress said.

“Sorry, Julie, I passed out for a while and Miss Harley had to wait for me. Can we get a cheeseburger, cherry pie, Beefalo wings…” Billy said.

Harley tuned him out at the fourth item on his order. After Billy read out what seemed like the whole frigging menu, the kid waitress left with their order and Harley said to Billy, “What are you? A chipmunk? I’ll rub your face in the food if you can’t stuff them in your cheeks. I ain’t your sugar mama.” 

“I’m really hungry, Miss Harley.”

“Cut it out with the ‘Missie’ stuff. It makes me sound like a middle school teacher.”

“I didn’t have breakfast this morning and I missed lunch because you’ve kidnapped me.” Billy turned his large blue puppy eyes on Harley.

Which was super-effective!

Harley pouted.

She still had money left from her robbing a schmuck back at Gotham. She was like Robin Hood, but instead of robbing the rich and giving to the poor, she gave to herself and she didn’t mind robbing the poor if there weren’t rich people around. She could always come back and rob the diner when she went broke again.

“Didn’t your parents tell you not to accept food from strangers?” Harley said.

“My parents died a while back,” Billy said. “Fawcett City isn’t perfect, but it isn’t like Gotham where kids and parents have to constantly worry about stranger danger. You know, a few years ago, I followed a stranger into a subway station.”

“And?”

“And nothing. I got on a magical train, met a wizard, and went to bed before eight.”

“Fine, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know anyway.” Harley huffed.

The busboy had been shaken awake by the waitress brought them their food on four large trays. Billy didn’t wait for all of the food to arrive before he chowed down on a cheeseburger. Harley pulled a plate of waffles towards herself and drenched the waffles in syrup. Her money, her food.

“The strawberry shortcake and cherry pie are for you too. Julie’s uncle makes the best desserts,” Billy said with a mouth full of chewed beef patty and burger bun. It was a wonder he could talk all. Was it ventriloquism or something? Arnie didn’t like it when Harley told him he shouldn’t talk while he was eating at the cafeteria back at Arkham Asylum. Arnie insisted it was Scarface who was talking, and then he kicked up a fuss when Harley reminded him Scarface couldn’t talk because it was a stupid doll. Seeing ol’ Arnie fight the big buff orderlies never got old.

Harley tried a bite of the waffles. They weren’t regular waffles. It was honey and whipped cream and sliced strawberries sandwiched between two fluffy cinnamon waffles. Harley was smiling so widely it hurt. She blamed it on the sugar rush that was shooting from her taste buds and straight into her brain. She was seeing stars. Having gone month without candies in her diet thanks to Arkham’s stupid meal plan, she welcomed the sweet embrace of the sugar coma that would no doubt come after this meal. “It’s so sweet I think my teeth are gonna rot and fall outta my head.”

“My sister loves it,” Billy mumbled around his cheeseburger. “Can I ask you a question? Out of all people in Fawcett City, why did you kidnap me?”

“You know Captain what’s-his-name, dontcha?” Harley shoveled waffles into her mouth.

“Captain Marvel?”

“Yeah, the Big Red Cheese! You’ve done tons of radio news stories on him. My favorite is the story about the tiger.”

“Tawky Tawny.” Billy’s words were muffled by a mouthful of cheeseburger.

“Pouncy Pony,” Harley countered. “So I figured you must be the Lois Lane to Captain Marbles’ Superman.”

“Actually,” Billy said, swallowing the cheeseburger in his mouth, “I’m more like his Jimmy Olsen than Lois Lane, but the Captain will be flattered to know you compare him to Superman.”

Harley squealed in delight and clapped. A clump of cream flew off her fork and landed on the table. “I’ve taken Mr. J’s plan and made it work! I’ve kidnapped Captain Marbles’ best pal! It’s practically as good as kidnapping his Lois Lane! And it’s from a media company too!” 

Billy chewed a slice of pickle that had fallen out of his cheeseburger. “Why is Joker planning to kidnap Lois Lane?”

Harley leaned over the table and flicked Billy on the nose, which only got her a confused look from Billy because Billy had puppy eyes and not a puppy nose. “Zip it, babble mouth. It’s a secret. Mr. J has a lot of plans and I didn’t say nothing.”

Billy sipped his bottle of coke nosily through a straw. “Okay, so what happens next now that you’ve kidnapped me?”

“We’ll wait for the Big Red Cheeseburger to rescue you. It’s a Foolproof Plan™,” Harley said.

Billy dunked a Buffalo wing into blue cheese dressing while he appeared to be thinking over Harley’s Foolproof Plan™. “What will you do when he rescues me? Are you going to kill him? Because I should warn you he has powers that make him tough to kill.”

“Why would I wanna kill him? I don’t even remember his name. I’m kidnapping you so I can see him, not like in a picture but in person!” Harley said.

“There are easier ways to see the Captain than kidnapping me.”

“Busloads of tourists go to Gotham to try to see Batman in action. You think they’ll see him if they ain’t stupid enough to walk into a dodgy alley at night? If they end up getting mugged, they’ll see one of the Bat brats most of the time instead ‘cause Bats is too busy catching nutjobs like me,” Harley said. “I ain’t gonna waste my vacation waiting for a Big Red Cheese Steak to drop into my lap.”

“You’re right. Captain Marvel can’t be everywhere at once even though he has the speed of Mercury,” Billy said thoughtfully, munching on another Buffalo wing. “I guess you have a pretty foolproof plan if what you want is to see him.”

“It’s a Foolproof Plan™,” Harley insisted. She crammed a slice of strawberry shortcake into her mouth, and tasted heaven. “It’s gonna work like how your plan to make me gain a hundred pounds is gonna work.”

“I just think it’s a shame if you leave without trying Mr. Bennett’s desserts,” Billy said. “You should try the ice cream sundae too. The hot fudge sauce is homemade; you can’t find it anywhere else. But I didn’t want to order it in case it melts before you eat it.”

“Pipsqueak, get us two ice cream sundae. I want triple chocolate for my ice cream.” Harley yelled at the kid waitress. She said to Billy, “Do you think an extra hundred pounds will make me look fat?”

“Uh,” Billy said. Boys. No matter how old they were, they always clammed up when a girl started asking hard-hitting questions like ‘when are we gonna get married’ and ‘I want a bajillion kids, how about you’ and ‘did you forget what day is today’ and ‘ain’t it your turn to do the dishes tonight, puddin’’ and ‘which one of you motherfudgers ate the motherfudging pudding in the motherfudging fridge!’.

“Red will be surprised when she sees me! I don’t know if it will be a good surprise or a bad surprise.”

“Who is Red?” Billy said too quickly and stuffed his mouth with tater tots.

“My gal pal. The apple of my eye. The other pea in my pod. I’m using plant puns ‘cause she loves plants,” Harley said dreamily. And it wasn’t just the cherry pie she was eating that was doing the talking. “She’ll like you.”

“Thanks, I think?”

“Don’t worry! She’s got a soft spot for orphans. She won’t even care your name has Bats in it.” Harley was slurring because she was trying to use her tongue to twist a cherry stem into a pretzel in her mouth. It was harder than it looked especially when she had to do it while talking and eating her cherry pie. And then her brain caught up with her mouth and she realized what she had said. Her eyes shone with manic excitement. She was nearly bouncing out of her seat when she said, “Your name has Bats in it!”

“I don’t know, Harley,” Billy said, dipping a curly fry into a bowl of gravy. “Isn’t that what you call Batman? What if Batman gets the wrong idea??”

“Who cares what B-Man thinks? I care what you think. It won’t be fun if I call you Batsy and you ignore me, so we need to agree on this to make it work,” Harley said. “Tell you what, I’ll sweeten the deal. I’ll say please! Please pretty please.”

“Two triple chocolate ice cream sundaes.” The kid waitress put an ice cream sundae in front of each of them. It was perfect timing! No one could say no when there was ice cream in the room.

“Ok.” Billy sighed, but he was smiling – score for Harley! – at the kid – oh. Only a monster like Batman could stay mad in the face of chocolate ice cream topped with hazelnuts and brownies and homemade hot fudge sauce and served in a cartoony waffle-cone-shaped bowl. “But only because you said the magic word.”

“Yay! You’re the best Batsy!” Harley ate a huge scoop of ice cream. A loud burp forced its way up her throat. The burp tasted like heavens made out of chocolate blocks that could float. “I’m gonna explode from all this food. I’m glad I kidnapped you outta all people in Fawcett City.”

“Me too,” Billy said, picking out brownies from his ice cream sundae to eat them first. “Although I prefer if you didn’t kidnap anyone at all.”

“I told you why I had to do it. No hard feelings, Batsy,” Harley said. “Say, how come he isn’t here yet? Doesn’t he have superspeed?”

“How can he find us? Did you leave a ransom note at the office?”

“Of course not. Cops woulda stormed this place by now. Your skipper has to X-ray-vision us.”

“He’s not that kind of captain,” Billy said. “Plus he doesn’t have X-ray vision like Superman.”

“Aw, but he’s practically Supes in a red costume,” Harley said, licking her spoon clean. The Big Blue Boy Scout and the Big Red Cheese Platter both had the powers of super-strength and super-speed and super-flight and super-hair and super-smile. They both had a super-bald criminal mastermind in their city. Dr. Strange hadn’t been amused when Mr. J had pointed out that last bit to him. “Will it work if we move to a booth next to the windows? I’ll have to uncuff you from this table though, and I don’t have the key to the cuffs.”

“That won’t be necessary,” came a voice from behind her.

Harley whipped out a police pistol from her jacket and spun around. “Eat lead, B-Man!”

Harley raised her gun at Tall, Dark and Ugly behind her. The few people in the diner were fleeing out of the door. Billy was ducking under the table. Batman knocked her gun out of her hand with a batarang before she could fire her gun. Her hand went numb from where the batarang had hit her. The gun hit the floor and skittered away from her. Harley dropped into a crouch to grab the gun but Batman reached her before she reached the gun. Batman yanked her up by her collar and slammed her onto a table, which knocked the air out of her.

“WHIZ Radio reported that a clown woman broke into their office and abducted one of their employees,” Batman said. “I came as soon as I heard about it.”

“No fair! Captain Marble Cake is supposed to find us first!” Harley said.

“He’s tied up at the moment,” Batman said, snapping a pair of handcuff shut around Harley’s wrists. “Field trip is over. You’re coming back with me.”

Harley hoped her world would stop spinning like a top when she got her breath back. Several crumbs were sticking to Harley’s face after Batman had slammed her face into the table. The lazy busboy hadn’t cleaned the tabletop properly. “Mr. J can have you to himself! I’ve found a new Batsy. He has bats in his name and it’s his real name! I’m never going back to Gotham!”

“Robin, help him out of the handcuffs,” Batman said, ignoring Harley.

Robin dropped out of the shadows, which was weird since the diner was brightly lit. It was the latest pipsqueak that had been sidekicking for Batman. Everyone at Harley’s group therapy agreed that this new Robin was an annoying brat that was broodier and punched harder than the one before even though this one was shorter. Harley would give anything to have the other one back. Sigh. People only missed people after they were gone. Ivy’s favorite Robin was the one that cracked dumb jokes and smiled a lot but that kid had been before Harley’s time. They didn’t make them like they used to.

“You look stupid like this,” Robin scoffed at Billy.

“Back off, bird brain. No one gets to yell at him except me,” Harley said.

“He’s okay, Harley,” Billy said. “He’s just cranky. Ow, ow, ow.”

Harley struggled against her restraints. She couldn’t see them from where she was held against the table. “Whatcha doing to him? I’ll beat you up, bird brain, as soon as I get outta these cuffs!”

“I thought she must’ve gagged you,” Batman said. He yanked Harley’s arm and made Harley do an about turn so they were facing the door of the diner.

Billy had been freed, and he was sitting at the booth where Harley had left him. He was rubbing his wrist where Harley had cuffed him. There was a bright red mark around his wrist that would turn into a purple bruise by tomorrow. Standing next to him, Robin was tossing and catching the handcuffs with a bored look on his dumb face. 

“You two were eating,” Batman said.

“The last time I ate was last night and I was getting really hungry,” Billy said, but his explanation petered out towards the end under Batman’s stare. “Batman, please don’t hurt her. She didn’t do anything to me.”

“There is a bump the size of a grapefruit on the back of your head,” Batman said.

“She just wants to see Captain Marvel,” Billy said.

“She’ll be out of your hair soon enough,” Batman said. He placed a wad of cash on the table. It was the first time Harley saw him with any cash. Did he keep it in in the pouches on his belt or did he pull it out of his ass? To think she had missed out on looting his body for cash all those times Mr. J had caught him and tied him up and showed off to their Arkham pals! “Meal is on me since I’ve arrested your dinner date.”

“Thanks, Batman, but I don’t need this much money for the meal,” Billy said.

“Make sure you have your head checked out at a hospital in case you have a concussion,” Batman said. He steered Harley away from Billy’s table and toward the door. “If you try anything in the car, Quinn, I’ll sedate you.”

“See you later, Batsy!” Harley craned her head back to shout at Billy.

“Stay out of trouble, Harley,” Billy said.

The Batmobile was parked in the diner’s parking lot. It would never not be funny to see its armored bulk against the backdrop of rows of normal cars. Batman was obviously over-compensating for something. Harley had learnt all about it in Psychiatry 101. Batman put Harley in the backseats and strapped her in. A mesh cage and metal plating had been installed to protect the front seats from prisoners in the backseats.

“He’s sweet as a Laffy Taffy.” Harley sighed. “You’re a moldy broccoli. Why can’t you be more like him?”

Batman slammed the car door on her.

The engine rumbled as Batman started the Batmobile. The back of Batman’s head was visible through the mesh cage. Robin was riding shotgun but he too short for Harley to see him. There was nothing to do in these long rides in the Batmobile except imagine putting a gun or a two-by-four or crowbar or baseball bat or a mallet to Batman’s head. Harley settled for a mallet tonight. It was one of her favorites and nothing said ‘I hate you’ better than a little hammer time.

A bolt of lightning flashed in the sky. A humanoid figure in red flew over the diner. There was no mistaking the white cape, the golden lightning symbol, and the winning smile.

“It’s the Big Red Cheesecake! Hey, over here! I think you’re cooler than Superman. If you punch the mean old Bats, I’ll call you Superduperman!” Harley yelled.

He was looking down from the sky and waving at the Batmobile! Harley knew it! She saw the Red Cheese! She had a Foolproof Plan™!

“Boy scout,” Batman said.


End file.
